I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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