I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
