My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
