There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
