mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
