i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
