He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
