the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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