where am i from again
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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