if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
