So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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