I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
