We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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