Need sex. Gaining weight.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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