i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
