so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
