she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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