This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
