You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
