I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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