She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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