I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
