last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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