Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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