Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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