That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
