she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
