Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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