Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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