your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
