How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
