Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I think im going to throw up on grandma
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
