Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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