He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We got so high we made milksteak
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
BRING THE BAGELS
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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