Yo dont text me then not text me
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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