dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
