I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The air was thick with penises
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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