Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
