You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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