1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
