I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
