Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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