Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
