someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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