Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
