I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize
