i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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