MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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