she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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