Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
