Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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