you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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