i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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