New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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