if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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